Why people bully

People bully each other for many different reasons. A popular explanation is that bullies are insecure people who work out their problems and find the power and confidence they lack by bullying others.

Sometimes this is true, but it’s not always the case. The bully may feel he has to act tough to impress his friends, who in turn are bullies.

Maybe the bully has aggressive and unsympathetic parents. Growing up in a house where there is violence, a lack of love and positive influence can produce a very angry and aggressive person who communicates as he or she's been taught: with anger and by inflicting pain. Sometimes the bullies are victims of bullying themselves and have a lot of anger and hurt to deal with.

It is also true – and seldom admitted - that some people simply get a kick out of humiliating and tormenting other people and this is all the justification they need.

Am I being bullied?

Bullying takes on many forms. It can range from name calling and verbal abuse to being physically attacked. Other forms of bullying include:

• Being deliberately excluded from a group

• Having rumours spread about you

• Having your possessions tampered with or stolen

• Pranks that are performed on you that others may find funny but that make you feel uncomfortable

• Being pushed or intimidated into doing something you don’t want to do

• Being undermined and made to feel less valued than others

• Constant criticism

Nobody deserves to be bullied and it’s not your fault.

What can be done?

It’s a good idea to keep a record of the things that the bully does to you, so that you don’t forget. This will be useful if you need to ask for help. Remember to save nasty emails and texts for the same reason.

Stay in a group if you can, and use the support of your friends. You could try talking to the person who is bullying you, if you feel able and the bully is approachable. They may not realise how their actions are affecting you, or may simply not have given much thought to the things they’ve said and done to you.

If the person is reasonable, a talk might be all that’s needed to get the bullying stopped. If this doesn’t work or if the bullying is more serious or you are being targeted by more than one person, then you need outside help.

Speak to a teacher or parent about what is happening to you. It may be a scary step to take but telling someone about the bullying signifies a shift in power and control: you’re taking it away from the bullies and claiming it back for yourself.

Why should someone else get to decide whether you are happy or not, or how much you do or don’t enjoy your daily life? That’s your job.

Coping with being bullied

Some people are bullied for so long and so badly that even when the bullying stops, the negative messages from the bullies linger on inside a person’s mind and affects their ability to enjoy life. Ex-bullied people can have problems with nervousness, shyness, a low sense of self worth and low confidence. In more extreme cases, panic attacks, depression, acute anxiety, self harm and suicidal thoughts can follow a time of bullying.

People who have experienced bullying might:

• Have problems trusting people

• Avoid relationships

• Avoid career opportunities because they assume they aren’t good enough

• Avoid socialising because they fear what other people think of them

• Criticise themselves harshly and constantly, even for small mistakes they might make

• Often imagine the worst case scenario, and tend to expect the worst from people and situations

• Find it hard to enjoy the things they like, convincing themselves that it won’t last or tainting it in some way

• Have problems speaking to people

• Lack assertiveness

• Spend time worrying about what strangers in the street think

• Experience strong emotions that they feel they can’t deal with

Staying at home and avoiding people allows your fears to go unchallenged and for your confidence to stay low.

How do you know whether people out there are good and friendly if you don’t go out and give them a chance? Even going for a walk on your own can lighten your mood and help you feel more in touch with the outside world. Get in touch with friends, go out for a meal or to the cinema.

Interacting with people will build your confidence and take your mind off your worries. It will also give you a more healthy and balanced outlook on the world: it’s not as scary as you might think and there’s a lot of good things to get involved in.

The bullies might have said awful things to you and made you question your worth. Perhaps you’re avoiding furthering your education or pushing your career onward because of the things they made you believe about yourself.

Try to focus on the real picture. Think about your abilities and the things you do well. Think about your interests, hobbies and passions, and pursue them. The bullies didn’t know you. Nothing they said was worth listening to. There’s no reason why you can’t do the things you’d like to do with your life.

It’s not easy to find the courage to tackle bullying, and its effects on life afterwards can be unexpected, but the only way forward is to face what’s happening to you head on and take action. You don’t have to be a victim, during or after bullying.